When Being Identical Doesn't Mean Being the Same

Look up ‘identical’ and you’ll find meanings such as “being the same”, “similar in every detail”, “exactly alike”, “alike in every way”.  What you won’t find are the exact same words repeated in each place you look.  While all the meanings are the same, the words that are used are slightly different. They aren’t carbon copies.  

My identical twin girls also can’t be defined in exactly the same way as one another.  They look very much alike – and, yes, we still color in M’s big toe with permanent marker, just in case – but they are two different people.  And they’re changing every day, further defining themselves as individuals who started from the same mold but who will mold each other as they grow and will take different shapes along the way.

They also cannot be defined in relation to one another.  Hubby and I have made a commitment to not fall into the twin trap of assigning character traits based on behaviors we maybe wouldn’t have noticed if we didn’t have a ready side-by-side comparison.

In the first few weeks after we brought them home A had a few nights where she was fussier and more difficult to put to bed than M was.  It would have been very easy to label her “the difficult one” or “the strong-willed one”.  But if we had done that, might we have treated her differently? And I don’t mean differently from her sister; I mean differently from how we would have treated her had she not had those fussy nights.  And then, does giving her that label become a self-fulfilling prophecy? If you label the behavior, doesn’t it become easier to spot? So we’ve worked hard not to pigeon-hole our girls into some convenient set of adjectives.  Fast forward a few months and I wouldn’t say that A is the fussier baby.  In fact, the last couple of days, M has been a bit on the sensitive side and more difficult to soothe than normal.  A, on the other hand, has been pretty laid back.  We can put her in her crib wide awake and she’ll fall asleep without our help.  I don’t think this means that M is the needy one and A is the self-sufficient one.  I wouldn’t make those assignations to my baby if I only had one, would I? Of course not.  I’d say, “She’s going through a fussy stage,” or “She’s been very easy to please lately.  I sure hope it lasts!”  That’s just the way they happen to be right now.  

So we’ll continue to watch them develop into the adorable little people they’re becoming and we’ll try to see them for who they are, not for who they aren’t (their twin sister).  But we’ll also keep the Sharpie handy for M’s big toe.  You know, just in case. 

(March 2013)